How much of ourselves do we really see?

I can never seem to get why there is such a huge gap between how I see myself and how others apparently see me. And the funny (as in “weird”) part is that it seems to be very inconsistent.

In many instances where I see myself with a more negative eye, I’m told by others that they see me much more positively. And then when I occasionally (this doesn’t happen as often) see myself in a way that I like to think that I am, or that I strive to be, it turns out that others don’t see me so nicely.

A perfect example is my physical appearance.

{Commercial break for an important disclaimer continue with this thought: This is NOT – in any way shape or form, an attempt to get anybody to try top put me at ease and tell me that I look fine. Really. Honestly!

I appreciate the sentiment, but the point here is that we are not necessarily talking about reality, but rather perception. What I am sharing here is my perception – and I am not looking for or in need of comfort or reassurance.

End Public Service announcement.}

Welcome back.

As I was saying – when I look in the mirror (which I try not to do too often), I see an overweight, balding middle-aged guy.

Now, it’s hard to dispute “overweight”, because it’s pretty obvious (granted, I am convinced that I hide my weight well enough that, while agreeing that I am heavy-set, most people do under-guess my weight my a good 20 pounds, sometimes more).

It’s even harder to dispute the “balding” part – it’s there and it’s real.

Even allowing for all of that though, I have never (and this goes back to my childhood) really liked what I see. I’m told that I have nice eyes, and I suppose that I can accept that, but other than that, I see a face that is – for lack of better description – very plain. Nothing particularly unattractive – but nothing that really stands out either. In short, of all of the faces a person could see, mine is definitely one of them.

In some ways (again – NOT a call for reassurance), my reality has always supported this. I was never one of those guys that women turn to take an extra look at, never one of the guys that women flirt with or hit on. This isn’t a complaint, but simply a recognition and acceptance of reality. In many ways, it’s the preferable reality. Although sometimes, I can really relate to what Radar O’Reilly once said on M*A*S*H - “I’m tired of being an object of ridicule. I wanna be a figure of fear, respect, and SEX”

For me, I have always felt that whatever shortcomings I have in physical appearance I have been able to make up for with a very warped (but fun) sense of humor, and basically being a good person and a good friend.

Recently, I found out that in high school and college, there were one or two women that apparently had crushes on me. This blows me away. I seriously had no clue, and would never have thought it. Apparently they saw me in a different way than I saw myself, and I had no idea. If I had, who knows what might have happened?

Then, on the flip side – there are times that I see something good in myself, and I find out that some folks simply don’t see that at all, or even worse, they see the same thing in me in a very negative light.

This recently happened, and I may have lost a good friend as a result. I can’t really go into details for various reasons, but apparently someone who I had felt very close to and comfortable with felt that my friendship was conditional on various things. The truth is that the only condition I put on my friendship is trust, honesty and respect. I feel very hurt that where I thought I had these, I may have been terribly mistaken. This is especially a blow because I always like to think that I’m good judge of character. Hopefully, I’ll find that my original understanding was correct and that right now we are having a misunderstanding that we can work through and put behind us. We’ll see.

I have a feeling that the whole episode, which is very troubling is probably what inspired the thoughts that I'm pouring out here...

Anyway – I guess this is the first blog that actually fits the name of my blog – I’ve been just rambling. The whole idea has been on my mind a lot lately – this whole question of how we see ourselves in relation to a) how others see us and b) how we really are. And is “how we really are” objective or subjective. I’m not sure I know. And I’m not sure if it really matters.